If you’ve been to my blog before, you’ve been expecting this video for a couple days. If you haven’t been here, read the backstory. Okay. Voila! Naked chicks. Cocktails. Kickass gift bags. Music. Fashion. Oh, and, be forewarned: it’s a little choppy.

Technorati Tags: Budget Fashionista, Casio, Coutorture, Eric Haze, fashion, funky brown chick, funkybrownchick, G-SHOCK, Kanye West, Spike Lee, watches

Happy Friday!! I’m still editing the Kanye West / Spike Lee video. (See yesterday’s post for backstory.) In the meantime, heads up! Last night, I received word that the new episode of Man and Wife TV is now available at www.manandwife.tv. Shanda ROCKS. She’s sexy, smart and funny! She really knows her stuff. (Scoop does, too, but we still kicked him out while we talked about sex!) Spy on the ladies’ night out with Lux, Jamye, Rachel, Shanda and me. Watch the clip.

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UPDATE: I’m such a goof!! I couldn’t figure out now to disable the embed’s autostart. I’ve updated the post to link directly to their site. (I’m getting ready to upload another video and it would be weird to have two audio tracks play at the same time.)

Technorati Tags: Jamye Waxman, Lux Alptraum, Man and Wife, Rachel Kramer Bussel, Scoop, Shanda, TV

I. Fucking. Love. New York!! Okay, so, I’m like toiling away in front
of my computer yesterday, right? Ordinary day. I get an email from the ever fabulous Kathryn Finney from Budget Fashionista. Her offer? “Wanna go to a party?” Moi? Party? Of course! “Spike Lee is the guest of honor and Kanye West is performing,” she says. Oh, hell yeah! I love Kanye West. And, Spike Lee. Fast forward a couple of hours and I’m on the east side of Manhattan at Guastavino’s on the corner of 1st Ave and 59th Street. I text Kathryn. “They R checking ppl @ the door. What do I say? Am I on list?” She tells me she’s in a cab on 2nd Avenue and 63rd, but her husband should already be there. He’s a tall man wearing a green hat. Somewhere in the crowd. Find him. He’s got the password. If not the password, at least he’s got words for conversation while we wait for Kathryn.

Kathryn arrives. So does Spike Lee. We all walk on the red carpet. I whip out my Flipcam to shoot Spike, but I fumble and I’m too late. All I get is an ass shot of Spike walking toward the door to the party. (Sidenote: Spike has a nice ass.) Inside, I find out that the event is commemorating G-Shock’s 25th Anniversary. Apparently, Spike and graffiti writer Eric Haze have both designed couture of the wrist. And, Kanye west is a fan of the timepieces too. “Hmmm,” I tell myself, “must get one of those.” So, now feel like an asshole because I haven’t owned a watch since I wore Swatches, but fuck it if I’m not here drinking all of Casio’s cocktails and eating a boatload and a half of their hors d’oeuvres.

Holding a leg of lamb to my mouth with my right hand and a glass of champagne in my left, I huddle with a multiculti group of fashion women including Budget Fashionista, Coutorture, and a model who is quite possibly one of the most beautiful creatures on the face of the earth. I’m serious. She’s like a black Kate Moss. Which, of course, is appropriate because Kanye West is gonna perform in exactly 22 minutes at 8:15pm.

I’m standing next to the stage sardined in a crowd of people including a 5′7″ black man wearing a white hat and a 6′2″ white dude who looks JUST LIKE Christian Bale (as Patrick Bateman) in American Psycho. It’s 10pm. Still, no Kanye. “Maaaan,” I tell the shorter guy, “if this negro doesn’t come out here in the next hour, we should storm the stage.” He smiles. “We should storm the stage anyway,” he says. “Yeah,” I joke, “let’s get kicked out of here!!” Kanye comes out flocked by a group of 5 or 6 naked women clad only in clear, glass astronaut helmets. The short dude, my former Comrade in Arms says: “Get kicked out by your damn self. I’m not missing this!!!!!”

And, quite a concert it was. I wondered if Kanye had hemorrhoids because he stayed seated for so long, but he eventually got up and completely fucking killed the rest of the concert. Seriously. It was awesome. When it was over, I walked out with the crowd and picked up my gift bag before hailing a yellow taxicab home. Voila! My free goodies included … drum roll, please … a G-SHOCK watch!!! Never more shall the funky brown chick walk the streets of Manhattan with naked wrists. The folks at Casio know how to party. Now, quick, somebody help me: I’ve got a fuckload of video footage from last night. They’re all AVI files from my FlipCam. At home, Windows Media player plays audio but no video but I can see everything fine on my Flipcam. How can I see & edit the AVI Flipcam videos on a PC before uploading them online?

Technorati Tags: Astronaut Helmets, Black Kate Moss, Budget Fashionista, Casio, Christian Bale, Coutorture, Eric Haze, G-SHOCK, Guastavino's, Kanye West, Kate Moss, Kathryn Finney, Patrick Bateman, Spike Lee, Swatch, watches

Backstory: If it’s lesbians you want… ;)

Technorati Tags: Baba Doodlius

I’ve only met one Satan worshiper in my life. I was a 21-year-old college student in Los Angeles living away from my family for the first time. The LA lights. The Hollywood celebrities. The now-legal booze. It all charmed me. I’d only seen California in movies and on TV, so I totally overindulged. I went out boozing & partying all the time. Probably too much. My friends and I took rows of Vodka shots before we stilettoed into swank VIP rooms of bars on the strip. One of my Comrades in Cocktails was a fellow party girl named Chelsea from Santa Monica. She lived in the dorms, too. One night, we were all laughing and joking about the weirdest / oddest / strangest things we’d ever done. I was a brown-skinned, Christian country bumpkin from Illinois via Mississippi. Keeping family drama private, my biggest secrets were pretty boring. I’d cheated on a high school Algebra/Trigonometry test by tacking the formulas to the back of my calculator. I’d lied to friends and family about petty stuff. I’d gotten into a fight with a boy when I was in sixth grade. A bunch of other women in the group said equally benign stuff, too. But, then it was Chelsea’s turn. The conversation went something like this:

CHELSEA: Well, I told you I used to be a Devil Worshipper, no?
ME: Um … [pausing for a moment] … No. I think I would have remembered that. How does that work? I mean, like, what do people do to worship the Devil?

I wasn’t looking for a new hobby. I was just honestly curious. Then she said it.

CHELSEA: I used to sacrifice rabbits and shit in the graveyard.

That was ages ago. Still, to this day, when my longtime friend April and I wanna insert a stupid “inside joke” into a conversation, sometimes we’ll throw in the “rabbits in shit” line. What did you do last night? “Well, you know, I sacrificed rabbits and shit in the graveyards over on the west side; I was in Hell’s Kitchen, so, you know, it seemed appropriate.” Are you gonna see Sex and the City? “No, I’d rather sacrifice rabbits and shit by twilight in Times Square.” Always tons of laughs for us, but everyone else just looks at us like we’re really crazy. Maybe we are. Anyway … So, any of you have an “inside joke” with a friend that TOTALLY makes you laugh but everyone else thinks it’s stupid? Anyone? Anyone? By the way, for those of you who may be wondering: Why they hell are you writing about devil worshiping today? Well, I recently stumbled across The Encyclopedia of Dead Rock Stars: Heroin, Handguns, and Ham Sandwiches and read the stories about Dead and Euronymous and the Norwegian black metal band Mayhem. Kooky stuff.

[Quietly backs away from computer and files post under: Random Like Ralph Macchio. See FAQ for details.]

Technorati Tags: inside jokes

One of the many things I love about New York is this: I’m constant surrounded by creative people who are doing really interesting things with their lives. Comedians, fellow writers, graphic novelists, painters, etc. And, for the most part, everyone really seems to support each other. Granted, everybody’s fleeing Manhattan for Brooklyn, Queens and Jersey because the rents are ridiculous expensive; but, still, for now, the city still has a really vibrant arts community. Here’s a list of stuff a couple friends (and friends of friends) are up to tonight and in the days ahead. (Shameless plugs, I know.)

Gary Vaynerchuk is probably one of the sweetest people in the tri-state area. As many of you already know, he had me as a guest on his show. I gave a dating tip or two, and he gave you his picks for the best “Date Night Wines. “(Watch the short video.) He’s gonna be on Late Night with Conan O’Brien (again!) tonight. Watch the show. If you live in New York, swing by his book signing & Conan viewing party just past midnight tonight at Bounce. Details about the party are here. Buy his book: Gary Vaynerchuk’s 101 Wines: Guaranteed to Inspire, Delight, and Bring Thunder to Your World.

Sara Benincasa and I used to snuggle up and write dirty words together. Via her, I met dykes. Four to be exact. ;) Yep, “Dykes On Mics” is a comedy group that includes New York City lesbian comedians Leah Dubie, Jackie Monahan, Amy Beckerman and Gloria Bigelow. It’s gonna be a monthly event at Stonewall (wiki history), but I think the first one kicks off tomorrow, Tuesday, May 13th. They told me it was going to be, [and I'm quoting them directly here] “estrogen-fueled hilarity without the cramps and bloating!” Here’s a bit more on the women:Jackie is a cross between Emo Philips and Sarah Silverman; Amy performs at Comix, Broadway Comedy Club, The Comedy Cellar and other NYC hot spots; Leah’s jokes have been in Time Out NY; and Gloria performed in the 2007 New York Underground Comedy Festival. If you want more info, Leah’s kind of like the go-to person for that. Here’s her site.

Jon Friedman is cute. All that and brains, too? ;) I first met him a couple years ago when we did it together in front of a big group of people. (And, by “it” I mean took the stage at the WYSIWYG talent show.) Jon’s a comedian, writer, producer and a bunch of other stuff. Check out his bio. The Rejection Show is moving to Comix. First show is this Wednesday.

Mark. Patricia. Tristan. Sex, sex and more sex. ;) They’ve all written stuff you can buy on Amazon. And, their joint party to celebrate their latest books is called “Party with the Sexerati. Takes place tomorrow night. Details here.

Technorati Tags: Amy Beckerman, Dykes on Mics, funky brown chick, funkybrownchick, Gary Vaynerchuk, Gloria Bigelow, Jackie Monahan, Jon Friedman, Leah Dubie, Mark Michaels, Patricia Johnson, The Rejection Show, Time Out New York, Tristan Taormino, WYSIWYG Talent Show

Last night, I went to Cupcake Social 2.0 and Media Meshing. Mini cakes and beer all night long. I’m totally gonna have to kick it anorexic style for the next three weeks to get in shape for bikini season. I swear I think: If I weighed more, I’d be less attractive. If I weighed less, I’d be more attractive. No, I’m not a moron. And, yes, I already know that’s a fucked up attitude and I’m not even overweight. I’m thin by midwestern standards, and slightly “curvy” by Manhattan rule books. But, whatever. That is what it is. I’ll just say this: if I ever tip 125, I swear to Buddha I’ll start running miles around the track at Central Park — breathless, smelly clothes, feet pounding the path, drippy forehead and all — like a fucking mad woman. Why? Because insecurities are ugly.

Wait. What the hell was I talking about? Sorry for the fatphobic tangent there. I planned to talk about men with accents today, but then I got off track. I started talking about last night, the cupcakes, the beer, Central Park. Whatever. Okay, so, LAST NIGHT … After the cupcakes and beer, I went home and my phone started ringing at Booty Call O’clock. It was this British guy I went on a couple dates with several weeks ago. In recent weeks, he’s taken to calling and texting me in the midnight hour. One message said something like: “Fancy a small party?” Um, I take it that would be a party of five: me, him, his dick and his two round testicles. I didn’t call him back.

From a European man, The Angry German, who writes for Esquire:

Women seem to take the English accent as an aphrodisiac. I can say, “Hey, I work for an investment bank, have my own place, and write a column in Esquire magazine” and get no response. Whereas butt-ugly Mr. Winterbottom to my side says, “Hey, I am on parole and need to buy some coke — care to help me out?” As long as he says it with a Brit accent, it is guaranteed that she will go home with him and fund his cocaine addiction.

Smart. Funny. Sexy. God, I love Esquire. And, yes, I need to date better men. Anyway, read the rest of the Angry German’s rant here.

Technorati Tags: anorexia, bikinis, British boys, Cupcake Social 2.0, cupcakes, Esquire magazine, funky brown chick, funkybrownchick, German men, Media Meshing, men with accents, pro-ana

Pick up a copy of Time Out New York. There’s a bunch of naked people everywhere because it’s their “Horny Issue.” I’m in the issue. Fret not; I’m not nude. I’m not necessarily saying I WOULDN’T have taken my clothes off for them. I’m just saying, you know, they didn’t ask me to do that. ;) But, they did ask me to turn them on in ten words or less *OR* with a haiku. I went the haiku route. I hadn’t written I one since I was forced write a 5-7-5 bit for a elementary school lesson back when I first learned what they were. Behold!!! Tell THAT to anyone who says poor, rural Mississippi elementary schools don’t teach important life skills. Learn how to write a haiku at age 9. Use that lesson to turn New Yorkers on when you’re a 30-something cougar with firm brown abs.

Anyway, so, for my first crack at it, I thought of saying something like this:

I’m thinking of you
Dark nipples standing erect
Wishing you’d come home

Pathetic, right? I told a few guys about it. Match politely told me that it just didn’t do anything for him. And BrianVan told me that it was [I'm quoting him here]: “mildly unsexy.” Nobody likes to be told that they aren’t sexy. And, that’s exactly how I took it; I thought it was ME not MY HAIKU that wasn’t sexy. Anyway, so, I tucked my insecurities away, manned up (ovaried up?) and took a crack at it again. I thanked the boys for their honesty because, truth be told, I’d given the haiku a halfass effort. “Stop acting like a jackass,” I told myself, “If you really wanna try to turn someone on, go with it full force. Don’t hold back.” So, I did. I wrote something up. Sent it to Time Out New York. And, the rest is history. Well, technically, it’s not history because it’s in the current issue. But whatever. Let’s just say “the rest is in print.” Read my haiku now. (Second one down.)

Many, many, many, many other lovely folks are in the issue as well. Speaking of folks who write sexy stuff … check out this picture of Jamye Waxman, Boinkology’s Lux Alptraum and me. Shout out to my friend Rachel for her cute little photography skills.

So, now it’s your turn to speak up. Don’t worry. I don’t expect any of you to write erotic haikus in the comment section. (But, by all means, please do if you have one burning inside of you!!!) Question of the day: What turns you on? What could a man (or woman) say to you to get you all hot and bothered?

Technorati Tags: erotic haikus, funky brown chick, funkybrownchick, haiku, horny, Jamye Waxman, Lux Alptraum, naked, nudity, Rachel Kramer Bussel, Time Out New York